To Have and To Hold
by the rotten1
Summary: When Hakkai first moves in with Gojyo they have a hard time getting along. Hakkai is still haunted by the memories of his sister, but Gojyo has an idea to help lessen his pain. Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo WARNING: Yaoi Lemon, mention of incest.


**To Have and To Hold**

The situation was awkward at best, even after spending several months within the same residence. _Although, I wouldn't necessarily say that we've spent all that time together, _Hakkai thought. He was currently lying on the bed, trying to fall asleep. Gojyo was gone, hanging out with friends at the bar and winning a small portion of their money through gambling while flirting with any available women. It was Gojyo's choice, of course. He was free to live his life the way he saw fit. Hakkai was just his roommate after all, and complaining about a companion's personal decisions wasn't conducive to a pleasant cohabiting experience.

In spite of their differences, Hakkai was thankful that Gojyo had taken him in. After all the things that his attractive red-haired roommate had done, Hakkai had many reasons to be thankful. Which was why he cleaned the house, cooked the meals, and found plenty of things to do to keep himself busy. It was also nice to get out of the house for awhile, whether it was to shop for groceries or to pay a visit to Sanzo at the temple. Acting as Goku's tutor reminded Hakkai of some of the not-so-terrible parts of his past, like the time he had spent working for a small school near his last residence. He had been content teaching the children, and true contentment was something he seldom had the opportunity to feel.

Excursions made Hakkai feel at least somewhat useful. They also kept him from sitting around at home and waiting for Gojyo to return- or at least, shortened the time he spent doing so. Many nights after the house was completely spotless and dinner was done, he had stayed up waiting for the return of his absentee roommate. Gojyo's reaction had been awkward when he had caught Hakkai, and it hadn't taken more than two or three occasions for the fact to sink in. Hakkai had stopped waiting for him. However, the cleaning and the cooking were things he couldn't seem to refrain from doing. It was like torture, sitting around in a messy home. Neither could he bring himself to go to the trouble of making a meal that was only big enough to satiate his own appetite.

Hakkai realized the futility of his own actions. As much as he wanted to believe that he was doing it all for Gojyo, he realized that he was doing it more for himself. Out of necessity. Out of habit. Out of fear that if he did anything other than what he felt compelled to do he would go completely and utterly mad. The horror of the time he had spent slaughtering demons in order to track down his beloved sister had been replaced with this obsessive domesticity. He told himself that he was doing it for Gojyo, when in fact, he was not; it was his sister for whom he was keeping the house. She, for whom he had always done all this compulsory cooking and cleaning. In spite of the time that had passed since they had lived together, he was still tending to the daily necessities of her ghost.

The memory of her haunted his every waking hour; when he dreamed, his dreams were only of Kanan. Recollections about the simple modesty of her dress and the sparkling quality of her laughter pierced his chest and ravaged his body. It was an ache so acute that it could be healed by no manner of medicine. No amount of excessive scrubbing at the kitchen counters of his past could ever remove the darkened patches that tainted every inch of his soul. He was dirty, stained, defiled─ like a worn old dish rag that had been soaked in dirty water for so long that no amount of bleach could return it to it's previous shade of flawless white. Much like the splotchy drops and smudges of blood he'd left on the castle floor that night, corrupting everything that he had never taken for granted.

He could still see her standing there with his dagger in her hands, a sickly sweet smile on her face as she announced that it was too late: he was too late. His murderous journey had taken too much time and he had arrived long after the point in time when saving her life would have been possible. That's why it had been his fault that monster grew inside of her. It had been his fault that she had raised the dagger in the air and then thrust it right down into her own stomach. Her name screamed and bled from his lips, as though in calling it, he could somehow summon her from the grave.

"Hakkai!"

He was dimly aware of the sound of a man's voice. It sounded strained with concern as it yelled a name. _That name... for some reason it sounds familiar. _Then he became aware of pressure on both of his shoulders, forcing him down onto something soft.

"Hey, you all right? Wake up, Hakkai!"

_Oh, yes. That's Gojyo's voice. _Hakkai thought, as he opened his eyes. He must have fallen asleep. _Gojyo is... my roommate. Yes. And Hakkai is my name now. _The room was dark, and it was difficult to focus on the face above him. "I'm sorry," he said. "Did I wake you?"

Gojyo looked down at the placid expression on Hakkai's face. It was quite a change from his strained expression a moment earlier. Air rushed out from Gojyo's lungs in one long, disbelieving huff. "You were screamin' loud enough to wake the dead." _Oh shit. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say._

"Ahahaha, my apologies."

_Yep, that was definitely the wrong thing to say. _"So, um... I was kinda concerned, yeah?"

"There's nothing to worry about," Hakkai lied, because he didn't want to drag his roommate into his problems.

"Anyway, my back kinda hurts, ya know? Would ya mind scootin' over?"

"I wouldn't mind," Hakkai replied. "It's your bed." It was a bit surprising to Hakkai that Gojyo had asked at a time like this. He'd slept on the couch the entire time that Hakkai had shared his home. No matter how many times Hakkai had asked him if he wanted to switch, he had refused. But now Gojyo was asking for the bed. Hakkai was more than happy to move aside in order to accommodate him. "I could sleep elsewhere, if you like."

"Nah, there's enough room. I'm pretty slim, see?"

"Gangly, even."

"Yeah, yeah," Gojyo said, sliding underneath the sheets and turning onto his side. "But next time we do this, you get the side by the wall."

"All right," Hakkai agreed. It was easy enough to tell why Gojyo had asked to share the bed on this particular night. He was worried, of course. Hakkai supposed it was just one of those things that couldn't be helped.

For the moment, they were facing away from one another. Hakkai gazed out into the darkness of the room, unable to close his eyes and get back to sleep. Gojyo laid still for a moment or two, but then started tossing and turning. It really was a small bed─ only meant for one person. Even though both of them were thin, bumping into one another a little was unavoidable. Hakkai was unable to sleep with all the movement. Gojyo shifted until he finally found a position in which he wasn't elbowing Hakkai in the back. Since his eyes were shut, Hakkai assumed that Gojyo must have been facing away from him again, since that position afforded the least amount of contact.

"Hakkai?"

"Yes?" He opened his eyes and rolled over; Gojyo was right there. His arms were up by his head and out of the way, in an apparent effort to make things more comfortable for Hakkai. They were staring at each other, face to face. Hakkai couldn't turn away.

"You were screamin' her name again," Gojyo said.

Hakkai laughed bitterly. He couldn't help it. Couldn't have restrained himself if he'd tried. He didn't have the words for the way he felt. But there was the sensation of Gojyo's arms wrapping around his body, holding him. It was all Hakkai could do to keep from sobbing but, somehow, he managed. The tortured thoughts and painful memories slowly faded in the warmth of his embrace. Then Hakkai moved his arms, wrapping them around Gojyo, and pulling him in just a bit closer. After his mind had cleared, it occurred to Hakkai that it had been a long time since he'd been held, a long time since he'd been touched like this.

Gojyo was sure that he must have imagined it. For Hakkai to return his embrace was the last thing he'd expected. _He's straight, right? I mean, yeah... he's totally straight. And I haven't even said anything. _Of course, there were plenty of reasons Gojyo didn't talk about the experiences he'd had with other guys. Shutting up about that was just good common sense. _He's sad and lonely, and I'm takin' this all the wrong way. _Even if that was true, he couldn't help but ask the one question that had been on his mind since the day Hakkai had moved in. "If I kissed you, would you be pissed?"

The question startled Hakkai, bringing him out of his thoughts. It was most unexpected. He definitely had to think about it before he could answer. Gojyo was his roommate, and while he'd never thought of Gojyo in quite that way, he wasn't offended by the idea. "No." He replied before he was even certain that he had the right answer himself. "I wouldn't be upset."

"Good," Gojyo replied, certain that he was about to ruin any chance they'd ever had of staying friends by what he was about to do. But it felt right, and if he didn't do it now, then he might never get the chance. "'Cause I'm gonna kiss ya." He'd given Hakkai fair warning, and Hakkai didn't do or say anything to object, so Gojyo went ahead and pressed his lips to Hakkai's.

At first Hakkai held still, not quite certain what to expect or where this was heading. Gojyo's lips were warm and soft, perfectly aligned with his own. Then they slid down to fill the crease of his mouth, and he parted his lips just a bit. It was an unconscious reflex, moving his bottom lip so that it didn't get crushed. But as Gojyo moved into the kiss, Hakkai began to respond. Then there was tongue, brushing against his lips and teeth. Hakkai opened his mouth and took it in. The kiss had started off shallow and chaste but turned into a full exploration of one another's mouths, both men stroking, sliding, and moaning passionately.

There was need in that kiss, both emotional and physical, thick and desperate. Hakkai felt his cock start to twitch and harden inside his pajamas. He involuntarily gave voice to soft moans which began in the back of his throat and rose his mouth. Hakkai was horrified that his body was becoming aroused, betraying the memory of his sister. That was why he frantically pushed Gojyo away, breaking off the kiss. "I can't."

They looked into each other's faces. Hakkai could see the disappointment in Gojyo's expression, and at the same time he was well aware of how desperate he must look. "I cannot hold anyone with these hands..." _These sinful, bloodstained hands. _He had let go of Gojyo's shoulder and was now looking down at his right hand. In his mind it was covered in blood, pooling in his palm and dripping down his wrist.

_There's only one thing for it, _Gojyo thought. "Then..." He gave a warm, genuine smile as his fingers drifted over Hakkai's face, cupping his cheek. "How about if I hold you with _my_ hands instead?"

Hakkai stared, unbelieving, into those red eyes. There was such an irresistible warmth about them, about all of Gojyo. There was honesty in his expression and caring in his smile. Without even stopping to think about why, Hakkai replied, "Yes."

Before he could do or say anything more, he was being kissed. Lips crashed together recklessly; mingled with saliva, tongues, and teeth. Hakkai's cock started to swell as Gojyo devoured his mouth. He felt as though his heart was both breaking and knitting together at the same time. His quiet complacence in this intimate act was desecrating the love Kanan had given him, ripping it to shreds, while the warmth of Gojyo's embrace filled in all the cracks, and made him whole again.

It was only then that Hakkai became aware of the fact that his hands were sliding through Gojyo's hair, becoming entangled in long, luxurious locks. It wasn't all that different from the way he'd used to run his hands through her hair. Perhaps he could pretend that it was Kanan? _No, I can't pretend. Not when Gojyo is kissing me so forcefully._ She had been gentle, delicate. At least, in a physical sense. She had never kissed him with such lascivious abandon. Hakkai knew now that he should ask Gojyo to stop, but he couldn't. Hakkai was afraid to stop, but he was also afraid to continue: paralyzed by indecision.

Gojyo's lips drifted lower on Hakkai's mouth, moving down his chin and over his neck. Large, blunt fingers caressed Hakkai's back and shoulders. Then there was the thick, wet heat of a tongue sliding over his throat, teeth nibbling at his skin, and lips sucking it up. He didn't know whether or not he actually wanted this. He couldn't seem to turn it down. Perhaps a part of him needed it, needed to be touched, to experience exactly this type of physical affection, no matter what the consequences would be. So he stayed perfectly still as Gojyo's mouth slid down past his collarbone.

Fingers moved over Hakkai's chest and teased his nipples for a few minutes before they were joined by lips and a tongue. Hakkai gasped at the heat surrounding the sensitive nub and at the way the cool air lingered on the patches of skin still damp with saliva. The insistent taunting and tugging at his nipples warmed his blood, making it rush down into his crotch. In a momentary flash of lucidity, Hakkai wondered how they had gone from a kiss to something so sexually charged. Then Gojyo's started sucking on his nipple and all the thoughts in his head vanished.

There was just the feel of hands, lips, and a tongue which continued to pleasure Hakkai's upper body. Gojyo's touch was provocative, pushing all the right buttons. Hakkai assumed that it was because Gojyo had so much experience, though he decided he'd rather not dwell on that idea. It turned out he didn't have the time to think. Gojyo moved lower, trailing kisses down Hakkai's abs. When he neared the scar, Hakkai couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. He didn't want anyone to touch it. Much to his discomfort, Gojyo's fingers wandered over it, all the way from one side to the other. Hakkai couldn't stop himself from cringing at the feeling.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo looked up, concerned. "Is somethin' wrong?"

"No," Hakkai answered. But he was unable to maintain eye contract as he spoke. "It's nothing."

Gojyo smiled as his fingers continued to trail over the scar. He could still remember the day he'd carried Hakkai home- well, technically it had been Gonou then- and stuffed his guts back in through the gaping hole in his belly. "It's not like I've never touched it before."

"I suppose. Ah ha ha ha."

"I'll stop, if you want."

_Yes. _"I-I don't really..." Hakkai was going to say that he didn't know what he wanted, but the words wouldn't come out.

"I think it's better this way," Gojyo said, lips brushing over the scar. "You're alive."

Hakkai laughed. There was no possible reply for that. That mark was the mark of a monster, of an inhuman beast that had taken more than a thousand lives, losing it's own humanity in the process. Gojyo was kissing that mark now, gently worshiping the sensitive, torn flesh. _How is this better? _Hakkai was a monster, not a man. There was no justifying his actions, no matter what Gojyo- or Sanzo, or Goku- or anyone else said. _It would have been better if I had died. _Just then there was a tug at the waistline of Hakkai's pants.

"Hey... you ever done this before?"

"Done what exactly?"

"You know, um... sex. With a guy."

"I can't say that I have."

Gojyo's fingers pulled at his waistband, widening the gap. "Is it okay?"

"Yes." _Wait, what did I just say yes to?_

It was only a moment before he found out. Gojyo pulled Hakkai's pajama pants down effortlessly and descended on the tip of Hakkai's cock. "Ah!" Hakkai gasped, staring in shock as Gojyo's mouth slid down his length. It was so hot and wet, and it had been so long since anyone had touched him there. It was intense. It felt like every nerve in his body, and every bit of his attention was focused on those several inches of flesh where his cock vanished into Gojyo's mouth. Words failed him completely, and he was unable to do anything besides writhe, moan, and pant in pleasure. Hakkai could feel the tension rising in his body, and he couldn't hold back. It was over all too quickly.

Gojyo was a bit shocked. He'd known it had been a long time since Hakkai had any kind of sex, but he still hadn't expected it to go that quickly. _He's sensitive... yeah. But that's a good thing. _It was easy enough swallowing Hakkai's semen, Gojyo wanted to. He wanted to keep going until Hakkai was fully sated, and maybe even a bit longer. He didn't want to stop until Hakkai pushed him away. And Gojyo really did expect Hakkai to push him away. _After all,_ _Hakkai doesn't want this...not really._ _Sure, he agreed to it, but he agrees to a lot of things. It doesn't mean he actually wants it._

It was all worth the risk, as far as Gojyo was concerned. Hakkai might hate him after this was over. He might move out and never speak to him again, but that was okay. Because just for one moment he'd gotten to see that sad, pretty face twist in pleasure and not in torment. He'd gotten to hear that beautiful voice rise in passion and not in pain. Gojyo had gotten to touch Hakkai in a way that no other man ever had... and most likely, no woman, either. From what little Hakkai had told him about Kanan, she didn't seem the type to give head.

Gojyo's thoughts were interrupted by soft moans from Hakkai. They were uncomfortable moans, the kind someone made when they wanted you to stop, so he did. Gojyo pulled back and watched Hakkai's cock twitch through the last of its orgasm while his free hand started pumping his own length. Looking at Hakkai like this would have probably been enough to get Gojyo off even without the hurried stroke his hand was providing. _He's probably watchin' me right now. Yeah. He probably thinks I'm sick for doing this. _It didn't matter, because Gojyo still wanted it. He gave Hakkai's waning erection one last lick before he moaned and came into the sheets. _Fuck you're hot, Hakkai. _

Hakkai didn't know what to make of it. It was flattering, in a sense, that someone would be so aroused by just looking at him. It was also embarrassing. Hakkai wished that he could cover his nakedness, but his eyes were focused on Gojyo, still staring in disbelief. He didn't understand how someone could want him this much. He didn't understand why. Even after he'd heard the sound Gojyo made when he climax and felt the corresponding moisture on the sheets he was still looking down in disbelief. Hakkai could do nothing but continue to watch, silently and unobtrusively, as if saying something would break whatever spell he was under and wake him up, as though this had all been a dream.

After a few moments Gojyo looked up at Hakkai, wondering how he was feeling and why he hadn't said anything. There were so many questions he wanted to ask: _Are you okay? Are you mad at me? Are you gonna leave me after this? _What he eventually did say, was: "Was that okay?"

"Yes." It was more than okay, but Hakkai didn't know how to say it. Why would Gojyo believe him to be upset? Then he realized that he had been off in his own little world for most of their encounter. He had been too busy loathing himself to realize how affectionate and caring Gojyo's actions were. _My behavior up until now has been...insolent. _It wasn't something that he'd done intentionally. Now that he thought about it, he was really grateful for what Gojyo had done for him, for all that he'd ever done up until now.

Gojyo still felt like he had committed date rape. "Thought I'd... you know, do somethin' nice for ya." _Biggest lie you ever told, dumbass! Shut up!_

"Thank you."

"...ya liked it?"

"Yes."

"Then, you don't wanna kick me out of the bed?" _Or out of the house? Or out of your life?_

"No." Hakkai smiled sweetly as he said, "You can stay."


End file.
